


AKA (Not) Strong Enough

by prec7ous



Category: Jessica Jones (TV)
Genre: After S01, Established JJ/LC, F/F, F/M, Implied emotionally abusive relationship, Something you never say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-01-13
Packaged: 2019-03-04 02:13:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13354344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prec7ous/pseuds/prec7ous
Summary: Jessica just isn't strong enough to fight it anymore.But is giving in really that bad?





	AKA (Not) Strong Enough

"Restock the booze, Jessica. And stop drinking it all yourself, I'll go broke," Luke said with a smile on his face. 

To anyone else, it would've seemed like a joke, but there was an almost imperceptible edge to his voice. Something that hinted that he meant it more as an order than anything else. He continued to polish his already spotless bar counterpoint of his newly acquired bar. Jessica had asked where he got the money from but didn't bother to actually listen to the answer. There was something weird about the way he was acting, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it.

Jessica grumbled something incoherent as she did what she was told. Well, part of it at least. She picked up a few bottles of beer and put them in the refrigerator. She couldn't shake the feeling of something holding her back. Like someone threw a blanket over her which restricted her movements. Sighing at her own ridiculous metaphor, she cracked one of the beers open and gulped it down in one swig. If she would've cared enough to take a minute to analyze things, she would've realized that while she drank less than during-Killgrave, she drank a lot more than after-Killgrave-but-before-Luke. But so far, that realization had not dawned on her.

 

The first month seemed almost too good to be true. Jessica was on her way back home after spending the better part of the day tracking down some idiot that thought he could get away with sleeping with not one but three other women when Luke appeared out of nowhere. He started to walk next to her and didn't say a word. It was one of the few moments in Jessica's life that she didn't know what to say. There was no sarcastic remark to be made to get her out of this mess, so she kept quiet as well. After a few minutes and three blocks of them not speaking, Luke gently put a hand on her shoulder, making her stop in her stride. 

Surprisingly enough, she didn't have to consciously remind herself not to throw Luke across the street for touching her. The touch wasn't demanding nor aggressive in any way. And by some weird force, Jessica felt the need to look up at him because of it.

Luke wasn't angry. No, if anything it looked like he was about to cry right then and there. His eyes looked glassy as far as his hooded eyes could show, and the smile he gave Jessica looked more one of sorrow than of joy.

Jessica asked him if he was OK and he flinched at the gentle tone of her voice. It was as that was the last thing he expected her to say. His face scrunched up and she could detect a glimmer of pain his eyes. Jessica thought she messed up before it even begun, so she apologized. The crease between her eyebrows revealed that she didn't even know what the apology was for.

He shook his eyes lightly a few times and sucked his lips into his mouth. He closed his eyes before he signed and told her that he was sorry too.

It took everything Jessica had not to let her jaw drop at that comment. The fact that Luke apologized to her was beyond her. _She_ killed _his_ wife in cold blood, and _he_ apologized to _her_? It left Jessica puzzled. And if that weren't enough, he continued.

Not only did he apologize, he said he forgave her.

It didn't stop there either. It seemed as if he was determined to say everything he could. "I miss you."

Not a question, yet said in such a way that it demanded a reply. So Jessica did, as it was the least she could do. She told him that she thought about him a lot. And she did - only not in the way he seemed to imply he did. But when she spoke those words, something seemed to shift inside her. Instead of longing for someone that she could never have, she could... Maybe.

Make things right.

"I miss you too."

She never expected this turn of events, let alone in the middle of a sketchy street in Hell's Kitchen. She never expected him to stick around, or more importantly, stay by her side. But he did.

And that's the start of how they came back together.

 

It took her well over a month to see, to notice. To realize that this wasn't what she wanted it to be like. She was too stubborn, too unwilling to question his loyalty to her. Or even acknowledge the fact that this isn't how relationships work. In her defense, she didn't have a good track record regarding relationships to begin with. Did she ever even have one?

But it wasn't all bad. Luke was great in the beginning and she was genuinely happy-ish for the first time in over a decade or two. But there was something that didn't seem to fit, and something that left her with an uneasy feeling in her stomach. She didn't feel like the strong independent woman like she used to be.

Luke was the perfect gentleman. Promised to keep her safe, to stay by her side and to be there always. And he did, he was. But somehow it seemed like that was also the problem. It should be nice to have someone like that in your life. Someone that cares so much for you that they're willing to do anything. But it isn't. It just isn't.

It's smothering.  
It's controlling.  
It's energy-draining.

Jessica wanted to be her own person. She never needed anyone and didn't need anyone now, did she? She started to doubt herself. She knew that she was the only person she needed and could rely on, but she wasn't sure she had it in her anyone. He wore her down.

She assumed it was never his intent - but can she really trust her own feelings after Killgrave? He brainwashed her once and now she didn't know what she felt anymore. Was it love she felt for Luke? No, it wasn't that. She knew it wasn't the case with a hundred percent certainty. She would, however, never admit why she knew that. Was it convenience? Was it penance? Was it the idea of being loved by someone? The idea that there is someone out there that gives a damn? To want to actually be with you?

The past month went by so fast. Why did Luke forgive her for what she had done when she couldn't even forgive herself for it? She was never in control, merely a vessel for Killgrave, yet she actually did it. _Killed_ he. Killed Reva. His wife. His _world_. So why forgive her? They're a month into the relationship but only just asked herself this question. Just a month in and she started to doubt it all. It was ridiculous how infatuation can mess with your mind more than a mind-controller can.

She knows it now.

 

**

She needed some time for herself to clear her mind. To think about what it all means. Just to lie down and breathe for a second. As she walked past the bar and toward the door, he called out for her.

"Where are you going?"

"Home," she blurted out before she could come up with a good excuse. She hadn't even stepped foot in that building for nearly three weeks. All her stuff, as little as she had, were at Luke's apartment above the bar. She was lost in thoughts thinking about where home was exactly. Because when she said it, she didn't think about her own place. She didn't think of Luke's either. As a matter of fact, she didn't even think about a place at all. Golden locks flashed her mind while she said it. No matter how briefly it was, it did.

"Jessica? Jessica!!"

She doesn't know how long Luke has been yelling her name for when she finally snapped out of her daydream. Rage bubbled up from within and she subconsciously balls her hands up into fists beside her body.

It was _how_ he said her name.

Luke stood in front of her. He eyed her fists before looking up at her face again. His left eyebrow shot up while his mouth shifted into a smirk, silently daring her to do something that would only end up hurting herself.

Jessica momentarily closed her eyes before breathing out and relaxing slightly. "I'll be back tomorrow, OK?"

"Why should I let you go?" Luke said, amusement lacing his words.

When she didn't reply, he continued. "I can't protect you if you're not here. You know how you get with the nightmares."

It was true that she dreamed about Killgrave a lot. Unfortunately, Luke played a bad guy in them more often than not. He didn't know that because she refused to talk about her dreams in general.

"Yea, you're right."

She left before Luke could get another word in.

 

**

Jessica aimlessly walked block after block as the cool January air cut her nose and the tips of her fingers. It made her feel alive. More alive than being around Luke. She shook her head at the mess she made - again - and charged up after slipping into an alleyway. She made sure there wasn't anyone around. Not because she gave two shits who saw her, but because she'd rather not be in the spotlight again.

In a split-second, it was decided. Something needed to change and she would start with the core issue. She took out her cell phone and texted Luke a single sentence. It was a total cop-out but she couldn't find it in herself to care what he thought. Not anymore.

She settled against the air conditioning unit on the rooftop she just jumped on. Some part of her was afraid he would text or call. She waited for a few minutes with her eyes closed, trying to calm herself down. When that didn't work, she picked up a few small rocks scattered around the roof and threw them carelessly onto the opposite building. She didn't think too much of it but when one of the rocks missed the rooftop and landed on a balcony, she started to frown at the odds.

Because she recognized the place.

It was that penthouse apartment where she spent some time in after the whole incident at the docks. It was that space that helped her get back some peace of mind after everything went to shit. But most importantly, it was the house of that person that was always there through all of Jessica's mess, even when pushed away.

But maybe she messed that up for good because she hadn't spoken to her since Luke got back into her life. She was ready to leave because Trish didn't deserve this shit. She deserved a better friend; not one that disappears and reappears whenever the hell they want. But all of those rather sane thoughts vanished as soon as she saw Trish enter her living room.

Damn, she told Trish to buy some of those blinding net curtains. Trish couldn't stop laughing that Jessica even knew what it was in the first place, and suggest it would even fit her decor. 'Who the hell can see me anyway? It's a penthouse suite.' "I can Trish, I can," she mutters under her breath as she thinks back to that conversation.

She couldn't keep her eyes off of Trish as she moved around her apartment. She saw her kicking off her heels and stretch out on the couch. Jessica had a full view of Trish' face. She looked tired, yet beautiful as always. Not that Jessica would ever tell her that.

Lost in thoughts, Jessica didn't notice that Trish was squinting her eyes looking at the figure standing on top of the opposite building. She stood up hastily and walked over to her window to take a closer look. That was the moment that Trish noticed who it was.

Jessica's eyes went wide when she knew that Trish spotted her. She saw how Trish practically ran to her window to look. When they made eye contact, she noticed the smirk on Trish' face. Trish quirked her eyebrow and beckoned Jessica to come down.

Caught red-handed being a total creep, Jessica wasn't sure whether she should go say hi or run away as fast as she could and hope that they never ran into each other again. But was that really what she wanted?

No.

So, she reluctantly jumped onto Trish' building and jumped down to Trish' balcony. She tried to think of something to say to make things…. Less creepy. But she came up empty. She had no valid reason to be there. Her hand was on the doorknob and to her surprise, it was unlocked. She peeks inside and sees Trish lying on the couch again.

"Hey, Jess," Trish said when she heard the door creak open.

Jessica swallowed hard at hearing her voice again. Yeah, she heard it on the radio in the time they didn't speak to each other, but it was nothing like hearing it directed at you.

"Trish…"

Oh, how pathetic she was. So many emotions rushed to the surface and she did what she did best; ignore it all.

"I thought I told you to get some blinds or curtains." Her voice was steadier than she thought it would be. So far, so good.

"Is that the only reason you were stalking me?" Trish counters easily.

"I.. What? I wasn't… You… I…"

Jessica a mumbling, stuttering mess? That Trish had to see. She moved into a sitting position and nodded her head to the spot beside her.

Glad that Trish didn't call her out on her stupidity, she accepted the invitation wordlessly.

Jessica cleared her throat and decidedly did not look at Trish when she spoke. "So, how have you been?" Jessica asks. The moment it left her mouth she wished for time to cave in on itself so that she didn't have to be in this embarrassing situation.

At that, Trish actually laughed out loud. "How have I been? Really? That's what you're going for? You're an idiot."

Jessica couldn't tell whether Trish was actually mad or not. She started to fidget with her gloves, wondering what else she could've said. Yes, it was stupid, but at least she said something, right?

"Jess…" Trish said when she noticed how uncharacteristically nervous Jessica was. She slowly reached for Jessica's hands to hold in their own. "Look at - would you please look at me?"

That right there. That was it. The stark difference between Luke and Trish.

Jessica looked up and saw the kindness, the genuine concern on Trish' face. The gently, easy smile. The love projected in her eyes. It almost broke her. Almost.

"Thanks for not running away," Trish says softly.

"What do you mean?" Jessica asked. She definitely did run away. For over three weeks she went AWOL.

Trish pointed to the rooftop Jessica was standing on minutes ago. "I was sure you were gonna bolt on me."

Jessica's first instinct was to say that she wouldn't. But the truth was that she herself was surprised that she didn't run - didn't want to run.

Trish released Jessica's hands. "Just tell me one thing. Are you happy?"

Is it really possible for one's heart to skip a beat and then accelerate into oblivion? How in the world should she answer that question? Jessica couldn't think clearly. Her head was filled with the sound of her thumping heart and beneath that, she could hear music playing at a low volume. Music she was almost certain wasn't on earlier. She swallowed hard and tried to formulate an answer. Should she lie and keep up the facade? Should she tell the truth and face the unknown?

"I…"

"- I think you just gave me your answer," Trish pauses, "I miss you, Jess. Don't be a stranger. Can I help?"

Jessica scoffed and barely refrained from rolling her eyes. "You wanna help?" She got up from the couch to try and put some distance between them. Before she was even fully standing up, she heard Trish' reply.

"Always."

It was the way that Trish looked at her. Like she wasn't broken, but something magical.

"I don't want to be with Luke." She cannot believe her own ears. Did she really just blurt that out loud?

"-Then don't," Trish answers simply.

"-I want to be..."

"-You can do anything you want, Jess."

Jessica wondered what the fuck she would've said if Trish hadn't interrupted her. Would she really have said it? She couldn't even think about it.

"I have to go, Trish," Jessica said. She was already walking toward the balcony when Trish suddenly appeared in front of her. Jessica has no idea how that happened. Did she really walk that slowly? Did she want Trish to stop her? Or was Trish just insanely fast on her feet, courtesy of Krav Maga?

No matter the case, they were standing in front of each other. "Jess, talk to me." Her voice was pleading and full of vulnerability and it tore Jessica apart. There were too many contradicting feelings. So many unknowns. So many questions and too little answers.

"I… I can't fight this." Jessica's voice cracked on the syllables. She breathed hard as she tried to keep it together. Her eyes were firmly shut, and her jaw was set.

When Trish looked down, she saw Jessica's hands balled up into fists. "Fight what, Jess?" Trish wasn't sure whether it was OK to touch Jessica but knew she needed to do something if she wanted to keep Jessica there. "Would you please," Trish paused as she reached toward Jessica's arm and barely touched it. She slowly slid it down to grab hold of her hand, "look at me?" She felt Jessica clench her fists even harder at her touch but didn't remove her hands. "It's OK. Whatever it is, we can deal with it together."

All Jessica heard was 'we' and 'together' and it was almost enough to lose her resolve over. Almost. But not quite. She couldn't throw their friendship away. It would kill her. It would erase the meaning of her existence. Although the idea that Trish is all that keeps her together. All that keeps her _wanting_ to stay alive, is pitiful, it didn't feel that way. It made her feel alive.

Trish made her feel alive.

Her eyes were still closed, so she could be imagining it, but she was pretty sure she felt lips on her forehead. Trish had kissed her twice before. The first time was nearly a year after Jessica came to live with them. Trish' mom had just directed her anger at Trish and Jessica interviewed, leaving Dorothy to fume behind the other side of a closed bedroom door. Dorothy then had said something that left Jessica broken. That she was an orphan who should be glad to have a roof over her head at all. That she should count her blessings before they were taken from her - again. After a while, Jessica had finally let Trish console her. Jessica's head was on her lap and Trish kissed her temple while telling her everything they both needed to hear. The second time was when Jessica as nowhere to be found at a party that Trish convinced Jessica to join. As the night progressed they lost sight of each other. Jessica was cornered by some guy that told her to stay away from Trish because she only dragged her down. That no one wanted Jessica around, but Trish didn't have a choice. After not being able to find Jessica, Trish had eventually found her somewhere outside along the route to their house. Jessica had said that Trish didn't have to pretend to like her, that she understood and that it was OK. Trish had spit with so much fire in her eyes that she never wanted to hear anything like that again. That even the thought alone was ridiculous as she considered Jessica more of a friend than anyone else at that party. That she would not have come looking for her if it weren't the case. Trish hugged her then, and when they separated, Trish kissed her on the forehead and told her not to be such an idiot in order to make things not so awkward.

So, it wasn't like she didn't know what it felt like. It was just that it wouldn't make any sense for Trish to kiss her right now. She wasn't crying. She wasn't even that drunk. Yet she felt it; the halfway exhale turned into a kiss on her face. Jessica involuntarily opened her eyes as she had to see whether she was right or not.

Trish smiled softly at her because it worked. Jessica was looking at her. "What is it that you can't fight anymore?" Trish asked, her voice steady but low.

Jessica doesn't know why she was still there. Why she didn't 'fly out the window.' Was it merely a fight, flight or freeze response? She got tell there was adrenaline rushing through her body, but it was different than usual. It wasn't like fighting some drunk idiots or putting some assholes down. She was experiencing a whole other fight. A fight between the brain and the heart. A fight against herself. A tear escaped her eye and she didn't register it until Trish wiped it away. When Jessica looked up at Trish, she saw wetness in them as well and it left her confused.

 

The next time she opened her eyes she was sitting on Trish' bed. At least that's what she thinks. She had no recollection of entering this room or sitting down on the soft duvet. Trish was nowhere to be found. Jessica internally panicked. She wondered whether she broke into Trish' place or something else happened. When she heard faint shuffling of feet on Trish' hardwood floors, she sighed in relief.

"Here," Trish said as she gently approached Jessica and sat down next to her.

Jessica automatically accepted whatever Trish offered her and gulped it down. She grimaced in disgust as she finished her drink.

Trish chuckled but tried to stifle it. "I put a painkiller in it, sorry."

"Hmmhmm."

"Maybe you should lie down?" Trish half asked.

Jessica scrunched up her eyebrows as she tried to remember how she got on Trish' bed. "Did I pass out?"

"Not that I know. You wanted to leave but got dizzy… I sat you down here and went to grab you some water." She sighed heavily. "Jess, don't get me wrong, but you seem unlike you."

Jessica knew that Trish was right. But she couldn't explain why she was acting the way she was. She couldn't describe the physical pain in her heart. It was like a knife that keeps twisting her insides every time Trish looked at her like that, or speaks to her with so much honesty and care. It hurt so much and in the most bittersweet of ways possible.

Not getting an answer out of Jessica made Trish take matters into her own hands. She took the empty glass from Jessica's hand and put it on her bedside table. She gently pushed on Jessica's shoulder to make her lie down. Surprisingly enough, Jessica was still so dazed that she went without any trouble. Trish took off Jessica's boots and turned off the bedroom lights. The dark only lasted for a second as another smaller light automatically turned on.

Jessica could feel eyes on her but she didn't have the energy to do anything about it.

Trish seemed to contemplate something before slipping in next to Jessica and put the duvet over the both of them. She faced Jessica who was looking at the ceiling.

"Why are you helping me?" Self-loathing. Judgemental. Confusion. All these words described Jessica perfectly right now.

"Why wouldn't I?" Trish was confused at the question. To her the answer was simple. It was instant. But to Jessica, it was a non-answer. It was another puzzle piece that didn't fit in the blur of her conscious mind.

It was the minuscules twitch of a few of Jessica's fingers and the manual takeover of breathing by which Trish could tell that Jessica was about to leave. So, she elaborated. "I mean, I'd do pretty much anything for you, Jess. I love you."

Too casually. She said it too casually. It took Jessica nearly over two decades to tell Trish and even then, it seemed tainted.

"Jess, you can run all you want but you know it doesn't make you feel any better. Why not stay and figure this out together?"

She doesn't think that she can.

Her face contorted to one resembling pain as her hands balled into fists again. Her jaw set, and her breathing was still manually controlled.

Trish knew she was taking a big risk by reaching out to Jessica, but she did. She moved her hand toward Jessica's face and gently used the back of it to caress Jessica's cheek. It was bold and out of character - at least where it concerned Jessica.

Jessica hated the effect that Trish had on her. That's why she almost never allowed touching, especially not like this. She closed her eyes involuntarily and focused on the place where their skin met. Trish' touch was electrifying.

It was all that was good.  
And all that was wrong.  
Confliction at its core.

Trish wasn't sure whether her mind played tricks on her or whether Jessica actually leaned into her hand. All she knew was that Jessica's hands became loose and her breathing was much calmer again. "I wish you'd just let me in, Jess," she whispered before retracting her hand.

Jessica's face went instantly cold, yet it felt like she had been burned. She missed the touch and simultaneously was afraid to ever feel it again. She was afraid of not being strong enough. To resist, to fight. Fight for their friendship. Afraid of not being strong enough to overpower her own emotions. Emotions not tainted by anyone or anything. But surely, Trish would never feel the same way. All Jessica had ever done was bring pain and destruction Trish' way. Everything would be a lot better if… If Jessica would just stay away. To not be selfish for once and just stay away.

She got up with the intention to leave. She didn't know that Trish was following her every move. Didn't know that Trish knew her next move before she even knew herself.

"I don't want you to go. You're probably thinking you're protecting me or something, but _I_ don't want you to go."

It stopped Jessica in her tracks.

"-I hope I still get a say, because like it or not. You are important to me. Your happiness is important to me. And it hurts like hell, every time you leave, Jess." Trish paused. She didn't mean to say that last part. To inflict guilt upon Jessica like that. But it hurt. It did hurt. It always hurt. "I.. Sorry. Shouldn't have said that. I just mean that... I have feelings too, OK?" Trish rolled over to her back and stared at the ceiling, trying to keep the tears at bay. Because she was almost certain she just effectively, singlehandedly, made Jessica run away.

Jessica was sat on the edge of the bed, facing the door. It was barely audible as it was said in the air between them: "I love you, Trish."

That opened the floodgates for Trish. She scoffed lightly, shook her head a few times and smiled. It was the last thing she expected Jessica to say or do. "Well, you have a shitty way of showing it."

It was now or never.

It was like some kind of force made her turn around and crawl toward Trish over the bed. It was the same force and lack of all rational thought that made her surge forward to put her lips against Trish a little too forcefully. She felt Trish' head disappear into the pillow. That coupled with the fact that Trish wasn't kissing her back, made her pull back. She promptly moved backward, trying to put as much space between them as possible. She tried to think of anything to say to make everything better again. To erase the last minute of their lives, she would give everything right now. Her brain seemed to stop functioning. All she can think about was that Trish didn't reciprocate her feelings in that way. That she just ruined the best thing possib-

"Did that really just happen?" Trish asked, a bit dazed. It wasn't disgust in her voice. It was surprise and maybe something akin to awe.

"I.. I apolig-.. I shouldn't.. I should.. I.. S-sorry," Jessica stammered out more incoherent than not. Her hands were slightly shaking from wanting to hit something to get all of her pent-up feelings out. Her mind went from being void of other thoughts to working overtime. She couldn't understand why she did what she did after years of being able to control herself. Why? For what? A stupid kiss? That wasn't stupid at all? Because even though Trish didn't kiss her back, it was undoubtedly the best lips she ever kissed. It was the first one out of love.

The lack of response to her semi-question was enough of a confirmation for Trish to know that it did happen. So, Trish propped herself up and crawled to her bed to where Jessica was standing. She leaned forward and it was just enough to reach Jessica. As she put her lips against hers, she pulled Jessica on top of her and kissed her with as much force Jessica had. Jessica went willingly but slowed the kiss, leaving room for Trish to stop this if she desired. But Trish didn't. She changed the angle and deepened the kiss. She kissed Jessica like her life depended on it.

And for once, there was no conflict in Jessica's mind. No single thought about leaving. No rage that fueled most her actions. There was only one thing.

One thing so powerful that she never felt it before. Although she could tell what it was, she never expected to experience it herself. The one thing she had been adamant about blocking from ever reaching her.

It was coming back to her at full force and she wasn't even scared of it. Not this time. No, she would accept it, endure it and learn to live with it.

On the one condition that she got to share it with Trish.

Love.

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, sorry if my tenses got mixed up. I will have to proofread this again.  
> Initially, this fic was supposed to be very dark, but after I saw the Luke Cage series I just couldn't do it anymore. I decided to still use the initial idea but tone it (way) down - and this is what came out of it.
> 
> Hope you liked the story. Leave me a comment with your thoughts. Thanks for reading :)!


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